Fortunately, Unfortunately...

[Eclectric]

Unfortunately, your house was overrun with Redeads (the zombie things from LoZ) while you were away, and one immediately freezes you.

[Winters Rage]

((...I was expectin' something 'bout losing those there keys))
Fortunately, you melt fast because you forgot to pay the electric bill so your A/C doesn't word but your non-electric heater was accidentally left on, which in retrospect, was a good thing.

[Eclectric]

(freeze as in not move, not freeze with ice. you've never played the n64 zeldas, have you?)
Unfortunately, another redead freezes you and begins to suck your blood and... try to hump you? (note: they do that in the game. )

[Winters Rage]

(((Erm... no... >>(ps, when I talk in 3 parentheses, I'm not trying to be a hill'y))))
Fortunately, you friend comes in a noticed the zombie things trying to hump and kill you and idiomatically calls the police, FBI, and for some reason the Pound!

[Atma]

Unfortunately, the SWAT team was too busy bickering amongst eachother over matters such as how to throw a grenade properly and "Who was in who's spot" to mount a proper raid on the zombie infestation.

[Winters Rage]

Fortunately, you never called the SWAT team.

[Atma]

Unfortunately, you forgot these were the same guys who tazed you earlier!

[Josiah]

Fortunately, that thar friend of yers, the White Mage's boy, comes an smites them zombees with his holey magik. He even goes an heals yer arms for ya.

[Winters Rage]

Unfortunately, he use that there Black magik 'n' now yer soul belongs to da devil! Oh noes!!!!!

[Metalheadz]

Fortunately, ther anjel of heaven swoops down ther' and saves yer

[Winters Rage]

Unfortunately, that there angel cain' touch ya since yer soul is teh devils now. :/

[Eclectric]

Forch-natly, sha brought some rubber gloves and put'sum own.

[Winters Rage]

Unfortunately, that doesn't protect her from the hell-ish aura now around you.

[Eclectric]

Unfortunately,

((((FAIL!))))

[Winters Rage]

(Fourscore and Seven Years ago... I... wasn't.. alive........ >> but a few minutes ago, I had to get the post in before the end of hillbilly day, I'm editing it now...)